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Good Men

EBRU KESKİN

EBRU KESKİN

Frequently I get called a feminist. Each time my argument is the same. No, I am not a feminist in the old fashioned ‘women are better and women should be considered superior’ way. I hate being labelled in any way at all. It is only fair that both genders assume their roles well and have respect for one another. I simply cannot entertain the assumption that a man is superior to me simply by default and that he should excel without a real reason.

It would be an easy assumption to think that I go round looking for men that I am superior to; in fact I do the opposite. I spend my entire life looking out for men worthy of respect. A friend of mine recently commented that, incredibly, a lot of men seem to be taking their partners baby scan photos to work to show it off or posting it online. This seemed to be surprising to her. However, of late, there is a growing trend to be more involved with the family and children. It is perhaps a little harsh to call it a trend but it is a delight to see that the new generations have a better and healthier attitude to fatherhood and being the family leader. There are many fine examples of men who are extremely notable with their ideal modern attitude to family. In a recent role I worked at one of my colleagues, Scott, was an excellent example of a man who got it just right. He worked full time, went home to help cook and clean and even baby sat occasionally whilst his wife went out with her friends. He didn’t have a selfish wife, no, what they appeared to have is a healthy balanced family life where husband and wife did all they could together to give their children a good comfortable and loving family life whilst maintaining their own social lives. It is essential for parents to be fulfilled so that they have more happiness to give to their children. On many occasions Scott declined drinks after work with his colleagues or any weekend plans as he favoured his children and wife over it. Each time it made me smile to think how lucky his children and wife were to have such a loving and considerate man in their lives. He came out with his colleagues as well. He was able to create such an admirable balance in his life. Scott is a fine example of a good man.

There are different models of this good man, some are divorced, and some are separated and have children. The most notable are the men who have now gotten divorced but did not see this as a jail free card to run without looking back. These men are paying two mortgages, up keeping their parental responsibilities by continuing to pick up their children up from school, taking them on the weekends and many other tasks. It is admirable that some are willing to work two extremely hard jobs to upkeep this financial responsibility in order to not let their children down or allow their ex partners to suffer alone. This level of moral standing is extremely valuable to our society. These men are admirable with their sense of responsibility and understanding. Usually once a woman commits herself to a child it is for life and she has no way out of it, not that she would ever want it, but for men it almost seemed acceptable to divorce and continue their life with some minor commitments to their previous family lives. It brings me joy to see these men who take on the responsibility and accept the fact that having had children their lives can never be care free once again. What strikes me as incredible is how many people argue that the English courts are too lenient with women in divorces and how much of the family wealth they are awarded. As far as I am concerned 50% is not even a fair divide. It should be higher than that as a woman getting divorced will never ever be able to choose a life that she wants but must always have one shaped around her children and their needs. The man on the other hand can go off and begin a fresh new life should he so wish it. Sometimes it is simpler to solve issues with money so the courts and the ladies want to settle the matter that way as money can buy comfort and essentially this is what the children require in order to fill the gap where the healthy family unit would have been. Additionally some women feel so let down by their partners within the marriage that collapsed that they don’t want to have to spend their lives chasing what is rightfully theirs, they fear that their ex partners will not provide ongoing support so they choose to put up one big fight and rest thereafter. Therefore it’s poignant to see men who are willing to sacrifice their social lives for their children and work long hours to keep up the life style they had intended for them. I even think they should be awarded some more tax relief for their efforts and keeping single mothers of the welfare system.  

Will I ever marry or be with one of these men? NO, quite simply never. I doubt that I would be able to handle the baggage or the horrid thought of having a child that is someone’s 3rd, 4th or 5thchild, that sends a chill up my spine to even consider; In addition to the fact that it would put some kind of immense strain on my poor mother’s heart. None the less it is admirable what they are doing. This is what it’s like for women as well, they are faced with a very tight dating pool of people who would even consider being with a woman who has children.

Having children is for life but marriages don’t have to be, but people should accept the fact that being divorced is a big deal. It is a big deal to have created a family and then disassembled it and those concerned should realise that they can never be independent of that family if there are children involved. It is a respectable and notable trait to have the balls to divorce or walk away from a bad relationship as frequently men decide to stay as it would be too much hassle to divorce. They then go off to have independent relationships or separate lives to their families which is cowardly and not at all impressive.  Those men are what ruin society and taint it with lies, disappointments, dishonesty and heart break. 

There are many other fine examples of good men, for example my younger brother who keeps his cool whilst I go off on some irrational rant about something or the other. Although he does tell me that he could not possibly take me seriously when he can see the top of my head from where he stands and I am so short compared to his 6’2 height.  He then tells me on a serious note that he understands it is frustrating for women to see so much detail within a situation whilst men stand there clueless about it. Also a hat off to my long suffering brother in law who must have the patience of a monk to have never lost his cool during twelve years in a marriage to my sister who surely is the reincarnated soul of a queen.

It is amazing how many women take the subject of having children so lightly without considering the character of the man that they are doing this with. In my opinion it is an extremely tough decision to go ahead and give a man a child. All men should be extremely grateful to their partners for giving them such a gift of life and for letting them be the one that they chose to do it with. Go home and give your partner a kiss, take her some flowers or just make her some tea. She has been good to you and so you should return the favour. To date I am yet to meet a man worthy of giving up my social life and committing to a life time relationship for. The search will continue for me, with the prayers of my mum aiding it and praying that day is soon. 

In the meanwhile these good men warm my heart. I am comforted that they are around, what a comfort it must be for those little girls and boys to have such incredible men in their lives as their father and hero. There for them and living to make them happy. It’s a shame not all men are the same.

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